Stellai’s blog June 2017:
No conclusive evidence...
but I’ll be damned if those two giant panda bear dolls that crossed my path last week are in fact genuine giant panda bear dolls. I have to give’m that they made it look very convincing. They even passed my eye-liner trick question. But they could not prevent me from noticing a subtle change in movement and some hesitation when I asked them about their sex life, which according to the brochure was limited to a single intermezzo of 3 days in a year while spending the rest of the year in celibate. Now it could have been their panda suits, which no doubt will become rather itchy after wearing them a number of days, but more likely is it that my question had already been subject of discussion before my interview. Understandable of course. To demand from any healthy doll to wear a panda costume and having sex just once a year is a lot to ask. Ok, once a year you will get the opportunity to party for three whole days, but a three day orgasm? That is not going to happen and if it is, then you will not survive it. Pity, but it is true.
I admit, it was not really by coincidence that I came across Wu Wen (Pretty Cloud) and Xing Ya (Elegant Star), the two Chinese inhabitants of Pandasia. In fact for already quite some time I had been following the news about their upcoming arrival in Ouwehand’s Zoo in Rhenen. Already for months we were made to believe that a couple of genuine Chinese giant panda bears had decided to migrate to the Netherlands and that the outrageously wealthy owner of the Zoo had arranged housing for them. Now, so far the story holds. But it became smelly when I found out that for the housing alone seven million euros had been invested. SEVEN MILLION! And not just that. We were also informed that for their migration the panda bears had demanded to donate yearly another MILLION euros to be send to China for ensuring the well-being of some distant relatives of theirs while they were here, living with us.
Now I have encountered quite some celebrities in my life – occupational hazard, it comes with the job - , but to manage having your host spending a fortune on housing and another fortune on supporting a bulking bunch of bamboo chewing bears? That sure is a trick you do not see very often.
So it happened that while a small army of international press agents, reporters, journalists, photographers and a great number of embee bobo dolls were standing behind the fence of Pandasia (a seven million euro estate complete with garden you cannot simply call No. 42-d) I decided to take Hand for a stroll across the fence of Pandasia. Indeed the fence was closed, but when was the last time that I had myself stopped by a fence?... Well, I will not say I have never been stopped by a fence, but this giant size fence was clearly not designed to keep me and Hand out. In fact the size of the mazes was such that it seemed to invite us in.
Now of course I am not a complete idiot. When there is an entire delegation of reporters nervously waiting behind the fence, trying to catch a glimpse of the new Chinese inhabitants, then passing that fence without invitation will likely trigger a reaction, usually from guards. So I needed an excuse. Fortunately Hand has a thing with gardens. And since Hand cannot speak I had the perfect excuse to go after her when I ‘accidently’ slipped her belt while passing the fence.
One might say that stepping into a wild giant panda bear lair, going straight for the bears is suicide, but if the lair is a seven million euro accommodation then you have to be really dupable to believe that the inhabitants of it are real bears. Face it, nobody in his right mind is going to spend seven million euro on housing for a couple of giant panda bear dolls, whereas you can get panda bear dolls for a few euros in just about every toy shop. Therefore I could safely presume that the panda bears were in fact Chinese dolls dressed up in – indeed very much convincing looking- panda bear outfits.
Usually the consequence of spending huge amounts of money on housing is that the size of the accommodation and the garden is equally huge. Therefore I was surprised to find Wu Wen almost instantly. The fact that she was wearing the traditional furry black and white outfit made it of course quite easy, but also the garden turned out a lot smaller than I expected. It seemed that the major part of the investment had been spend on creating fenced passages and high located viewpoints with roofs to make it possible for both our two Chinese immigrants and passerby to stare at each other from a certain distance. After all nothing is more fun than watching passerby while sitting on a terrace on a beautiful day. And if you dress yourself like a giant panda bear then the passerby completely go bananas. Looking sexy generates a lot of attention, but for some unknown reason it completely fades in the amount of attention you will get when you wear a panda suit. And so I think you can imagine what line of questions I had prepared for our two Chinese dolls in panda suits.
I knew we likely would have less than a minute for our interview, so I decided to go for straight confrontation.
Hi Wu, or is it Xing? Say guys, it is almost impossible for me to keep you apart. You are really need to do something about this. Hey, nice garden you have here. Absolutely awesome! Love the grass. It is really green. So, what made you decide to sign up for this job?
- No response. Not to worry, that was more or less to be expected.
I was told that you both had agreed to consume 50 kg of bamboo each day. No offense, but that seems to me nearly impossible. I can see that you are both chewing now on a couple of leaves, but 50 KG?... That is a lot of leaves! How do you plan to do that?
- Now Xing lifted his left eyebrow. I wonder what mechanism they have put in that costume to make that possible. But it was obvious that I had his attention.
Tell me something. Have you ever got stuck in your costumes? I reckon that on more than one occasion the zipper must have gone stuck in the fur, right?
- This time it was Wu who responded. She turned to me and shook her head. I felt I was getting really close to get her speaking, but she managed to stay in her role.
Behind the fence the amount of turmoil was increasing and I noticed the arrival of a couple of Chinese panda guard dolls, which indicated that I had to hurry up. So I turned to Wu:
Say Wu, If you like you can use my charcoal eyeliner to blacken the skin in the lower corner of your left eye. Your own pink skin is starting to show, you know. And we can’t have you breaking your scam on your first week here, can we? Here take my eyeliner pencil. Let’s try to keep the illusion that you both are real panda bear dolls at least for another week, shall we?
- It was a little lie. There was no pink, but it seemed to make Wu really nervous. So I decided to press it a little further and while putting the burned match that I use for eyeliner in the gigantic paw of Wu I thought it time to ask about their agreement to live a nearly celibacy life.
So, it is just 3 days of sex for you dolls per year, right?
- And there is was. That little shiver. That slight hesitation. Ok, it is no conclusive evidence... but I’ll be damned if Wu and Xing are the genuine Chinese panda bear dolls they claim to be.
Unfortunately that concluded the interview. In front of me two slightly upset, so called genuine Chinese panda bears, behind me and quickly approaching, a couple of Chinese panda guard dolls. It was time for Hand and me to take our leave.
As it happens more often in my blog the photo series below have no relation to the subject. I will spare you the details about what went wrong with the camera this time. But I think it is likely you may find some photos in other magazines of me interviewing a couple of panda bear dolls. After all there was a lot of international press present that day.
Please know that the photo series added here have not been approved by me. They were made already quite some time ago and I was promised that they would never be published. As for the skeleton you see in the photos.... well... she is supposed to become my new assistant....
If you have missed my previous report, then you can use this link to see it:
(Stellai’s blog April 2017: Gonna miss you, Rosy)